Only Just Beginning to Sink In

All week I've been helping out with my church's children's summer programme except for Tuesday when I went to Middlemore for what I suppose is my final check-up before my surgery in a few weeks, and it only hit me on the train trip back into the city just how nervous I really am about it!

The actual appointment was not so eventful. The orthodontist just put surgical hooks on my braces while she explained the process to two others who were watching (I'm guessing they're training!). That was pretty much it except for a few questions and answers with the orthodontist and the surgeon who will be operating on me.

He told me all this stuff about how I'll be in surgery for most of the morning and come out in the afternoon. I think he mentioned something about me being weary, tired and on painkillers for the first day. He also mentioned something about a catheter tube, actually I'm pretty sure I heard the word 'catheter'! Apparently that's used for going to the toilet... I asked what sort of state I'd be in for those three/four days I'd be in hospital and if I'd be able to get any study done. The orthodontist said I'd probably be pretty tired and that I should get all my study done before surgery! She also said I could be tired for up to a month after surgery due to the anaesthetic, which means my performance in my stats exam could be affected!

Surgery has been at the back of my mind for so long (since I was nine!) that I've never really given it that much thought, but went running through my mind on the train trip back though when I realised there's only about three weeks to go were questions such as what if I look worse than I did before I had surgery? What if something goes wrong and I have to live with a side-effect for the rest of my life? What if my health is not where it should be and there are complications with the surgery which could lead to me dying??? I don't think I'm ready to go yet. I haven't said everything I could and need to say to all those people who mean something to me (whether or not anyone would actually notice or care I'm gone is another matter! haha). I don't even think I'd make it to heaven! I'm sure I've got more than three weeks worth of making up to do!

Anyway that's the worst case scenario. I really shouldn't be thinking of that. I should be *thinking of happy thoughts thinking of happy thoughts* as we all should, and hope for the best!